Today’s women are looking for a man who takes pride in his appearance and isn’t afraid of spending some time, and money, on being polished. You’re living in the age of Queer Eye for the Straight Guy and it’s about time you got use to it.

I’ll start with something simple – hair. If you’re getting your hair cut at the community barber college, and you shop for you shampoo at the 99-cent store; let me introduce you to the wonders of a modern styling salon. Think of it as a place where highly trained (usually cute) hair professionals take your face, lifestyle and skin into account before they even grab the shears. Usually, they’ll suggest that you indulge in some hair color or highlights – don’t be afraid! It’s only an hour of having your hair wrapped in aluminum foil; while sitting next to several grandmas perming their hair, but you did survived your freshman year of high school. Surely you will not die of embarrassment now, especially when you realize the benefits of a good haircut; chicks will love to caress your styled streaks, as they ignore the bum who has the $6.99 Fantastic Sam’s special.

If you’d rather not sit next to Whistler’s mother, ask the salon to hook you up for a session with a manicurist. Before you curse at me, I suggest you take a look at your hands. What color are your fingernails? Do women view them as impalers instead of instruments of pleasure? Do your toes give new meaning to the story of Paul Bunyan? If you answered yes, why not spend the extra money to get your fingernails and toenails washed, buffed and lotioned up twice a month. If you’re a nail biter, she can make your hands look presentable. Consider this, it is bad enough scratching a buddy playing defense on the basketball court; I doubt your new love interest will be as understanding when she needs to wear an eye patch for a week after you brushed her hair back. If you want to save some money, find a salon at a strip mall, or in the city, that is Asian-owned. They usually are good and have low prices. You’ll also enjoy these exotic beauties fawning over you for a half hour as you sit in a massage chair with a whirlpool footbath. Sweet.