I'm voting Republican because I feel safer when the government monitors my emails and cell phone calls.

I'm voting Republican because I feel safer when the government declares an American citizen (Jose Padilla) an illegal enemy combatant and whisks him off to a Navy brig for years, claiming he was going to build a dirty bomb. Whoops, after a couple of years they decided it was a plot to blow up apartment buildings. Whoops, after another year it was really that he went to a terrorist training camp. Probably. We're pretty sure.

I'm voting Republican because that camp at Guantanamo where we've locked people up for years without charges, only to release most of them, and only put one on trial so far, is a great idea. Never mind if the Supreme Court tells the President, in one case after another, that he can't just lock people up there indefinately without charges or a trial.

I'm voting Republican because I like to see rich folks get tax cuts, and exempt estates over $3 million from inheritance taxes. We need those tax cuts for the rich to make the economy grow, see how well it's been working lately?

I'm voting Republican because I like the government to run huge deficits. Screw Bill Clinton and his balanced budgets!

I'm voting Republican so we can make sure a guy like Saddam can't use those WMDs he never had against us.

I'm voting Republican because I like the way gas prices have headed in the last couple of years. And the housing market. And the job market. And the dollar's exchange rate.

I'm voting Republican because a $500 billion dollar (and counting) war against a country that was no threat to us was a great idea, and with four more years in the White House the Republicans can start another $500 billion dollar war against Iran. Bomb bomb bomb. bomb bomb Iran

I'm voting Republican because 4,100 dead American soldiers and Marines in Iraq for a war we didn't need is a good start, but we've got to stay the course. Turning the corner and all.

I'm voting Republican because I want a Supreme Court that will take away a woman's right to choose whether to have a baby, take away an adult's right to choose whether to view pornography, and take away those pesky appeals that keep freeing innocent men from death row.

I'm voting Republican because I'm tired of government agencies doing government work cheaply, when we could be giving no-bid contracts to companies like Halliburton who will charge more. A lot more. And do a lousy job.

I'm voting Republican because I like my tax dollars being handed to churches - whoops, I mean, faith-based initiatives - so they can preach to some poor homeless sod who just wants a hot meal and a cot for the night. Or run sex education programs for teens where the entire education consists of the word "don't".

I'm voting Republican because the most important issue facing the country isn't the economy, or energy, or the environment, or terrorism, or the war in Iraq, it's whether two guys can get married.

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I'm voting Republican because John McCain has finally changed his mind about abortion, the Bush tax cuts, a timetable in Iraq, offshore drilling, Christian fundamentalists in politics...well, gosh, about pretty much everything.

I'm voting Republican because I heard Barack Obama is a Muslim. And the minister at that Christian church he goes to is not a guy I'd want to have as president.

I'm voting Republican because Barack Obama thinks properly maintaining your car to get better mileage is a good idea. Communist!

I'm voting Republican, but I swear it has nothing to do with Barack Obama being black. I'd vote for a black guy. In theory. Of course, I've never, ever seen any black person in my life that I'd actually vote for, not even if Colin Powell was running for dog catcher. But I'm not prejudiced, not a bit, why some of my favorite TV shows have black people on them.